I Should Be Writing On The Novel (Or Whatever It is) But I Want To Daydream, Instead

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I have all this free time on my hands and I should be using it to work on the story idea I have, but I don’t want to. I want to daydream, instead. I hate it when I do that. I hate it when I run scenarios in my head instead of actually being productive. But it’s something I’ve done my entire life.

I think I’m going to screw around just a little bit longer, then I’m going to force myself to sit down and actually work on the story. I am a seat-of-your-pants kind of writer (at least in the beginning) so I like to just sit down and write the general story as it comes to me.

The idea I have for the story is decent, I think.

I just have to find the motivation to do it.

I just don’t have that right now. I just feel meh and want to play. I don’t even want to look for pictures of high chicks in my Facebook Newsfeed.

I’m growing tired, anyway. I don’t even know if I can get any writing done tonight at all. But I’ve had enough coffee, late enough, that I might be able to do something. My finger hurts from some skin that’s coming off the side of it, so that is an added complication. I can feel my finger as I write this. I hope it’s not infected. That would really suck.

Anyway. I’m going to try to write some around midnight. That’s my current goal for the evening. I want to write for about an hour and then do some other work before I go to sleep.

I Just Want Ice Cream

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There are two ice creams left in the freezer, but I am determined not to eat either one of them. I have to make a stand now, otherwise I will eat all of them and I’ll feel like an asshole. If I had gotten paid on time, this wouldn’t be an issue. I would just walk to the local store and get ice cream. But I have no money and so I’m fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked.

It will be so nice to get paid, one way or another. It will be great. Then I can start to live my life normally again and start to pay down some debt. That is my chief goal in the near term — just pay down debt. Pay what debt I have down and then think about starting a Website and visiting Brooklyn. I am going to work on a new story of some sort, as well. Still don’t know if it’s going to be a novel or a short story.

In other words, I have a lot of dreams. And what I don’t have right now is any money. Which, of course, sucks.

Also, I continue to be shocked at how easy it is to find The Fappening. Right now, at least, it is really easy to find the pictures. I’m not going to tell you how to find them, but you have to be nearly brain dead not to be able to find them at this point. I don’t quite understand why I continue to get _any_ traffic from people looking for the Goddamn Fappening. I can only assume that the traffic I’m getting will go down a great deal in the next few days as people realize how easy it is to find The Fappening.

Folks, it’s really easy. Really, really easy.

That might change sooner rather than later, but I doubt it. The demand is too high and there are too many places for it pop up. It’s just a fact of life, at this point, I think. Which is really sad. I feel horrible for not taking this issue more seriously and I feel horrible for writing so much about it before I actually saw how…uh…_graphic_ some of The Fappening is. Some of it is pretty gross and that’s a huge turn off. Some people get off — literally — on such things, but I don’t.

The whole thing makes me even more jaded and cynical than I already am.

I really feel like a cynical asshole because of The Fappening.

Now, It’s Just A Matter Of Writing

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I am all over the place, creatively.

I have all these dreams, but no direction.

So, this blog changes direction a lot. I am still interested in starting a new blog, but I’m also creatively restless. If I had a woman in my life to say, “Do that, not this,” that would help a lot. But, as it stands, I got squat. So, do whatever I feel like.

And, right now, I feel like trying to start up a new novel. At least for the next little bit. Novels are free other than the time expended on them and all you have to do is believe in yourself enough to spend the time needed to write one. I don’t even know, at this point, if I want to write a novel or just short story. But if I use the story of ROKon Magazine as a guide for the story I want to tell, I definitely can get something close to at least 75,000 words, which would be a novel.

It’s really just a matter of sitting down and spending all my free time writing the damn thing.

I have one (bad) novel under my belt, and it deals with a similar plot, so that can only help. And the fact that I’m setting this novel in Richmond, where I live, also will improve the reader’s experience. People complained with the rough draft of the first novel that I wasn’t describing Seoul well enough. Well, fuck that. I’m just going to plop the story in Richmond and move on.

Anyway. Hopefully, hopefully, I can make this new version of the tale better. The “alpha readers” of the other novel hated all the characters and wanted them to kill themselves before it was over with. Regardless, I’m going to try to write some tonight. I’m feeling inspired, and hopefully I can write a few pages on the story before I go to bed tonight. That’s my goal, at least.

‘I Really Like That Beginning, Lots Of Action.’

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I have a beginning that I was going to use for the second version of The Battle of The Old Free State that I never used because, well, everyone hated the first version and I froze up. I got a really bad case of writer’s block and only got about a third of the way through writing the second version.

But I really like the opening I had for that new version of the novel. So, I am thinking of using the same general beginning, only setting it in Richmond, not South Korea. It has lots of action and it establishes the character, the Hero, as someone you can root for.

And, yet, there are problems.

When the opening scene was set in South Korea, it was set the night the Hero — Topher Katz — was about to leave for Seoul from Incheon. I don’t quite know how I’m going to apply that to the Richmond area. I guess I can think of something. I’m creative, I can think of something interesting. Just can’t quite pin down the details.

I had this idea that Lee’s Retreat, which plays such a big part in The Battle of The Old Free State, would be near my existing house in reality. But if the character is moving, then I would have to put Lee’s Retreat on the other side of town, in The Fan area. I don’t have a problem with that, but I’m going to have to do some fancy footwork to figure out how to make this whole thing believable.

I want to tell the general story of ROKon Magazine, only have a virus that turns you into a robot and the Singularity involved in some way. Throw in a superintelligence and you have an interesting story, indeed. It’s just a matter of writing it. It’s now almost 4 p.m. and I haven’t gotten any writing done at all.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about what I’m going to write, but no actual writing.

I have a notion of what I want to do with the story, but I’m running out of time before I have to start my “job” teaching English to South Koreans. Jeeze, I wish they would pay me. I’m growing ever more frustrated by the moment.

But anyway. Now I have about an hour or so before my “job” begins and hopefully I can get some writing done on the story during the course of that hour.

It’s really annoying that out of the three people I share this house with, only one person will talk to me on a regular basis. It’s really, really annoying. I feel very isolated because of it.

Anyway. I need to write.

These Are Obviously Two Different Stories

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I can’t reconcile the scene I want to write with the idea of using the ROKon Magazine plot for this story. It just won’t work. It’s obvious that I’m thinking of two different stories. One is a short story, the other one is more a novel. I want to attempt the novel story, first, simply because it’s more thought out and I am more obsessed with trying to tell the ROKon Magazine story than I am anything else.

So, I’m going to put the “scene story” on the backburner, I think. I am going to write a rough outline for the “novel story” with what little time I have left. I have about an hour left. I won’t make much of a dent in anything, but at least I’m starting.

I really, really want to tell the story of ROKon Magazine, well, somehow. And if it takes a virus that turns you into a robot, so be it. I tried to do this before, and just used ROKon Magazine as the first act of the story. But I think maybe I should try to at least make it the first and second acts. Or something. The third act would be when things went really scifi and departed from what happened with the magazine, in even a figurative sense.

Or maybe not.

I have a glimmer of an idea as to how to pull that off, too.

But there is a lot I don’t know yet. I think I may have to go for another walk to think about the details of all of this.

Concept Problems

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I have in my head a scene I want to write, but I’m having difficulty figuring out how I’d write it.

I want a scene where our Hero is returning from South Korea and everything is changed. Something has happened and he’s one of the few remaining non-robot humans. He returns to America and everything is different. Why he would return to America — and why he would be allowed to return to America — I am still pondering.

I think what I’m going to do just write a brief short story using that as a hook.

And, yet, I don’t know.

To do the scene justice, I need to set it up. I need to give it some context. So, that will add some length to it. And then once I show the scene, I need to figure out what the Hero walks into. What is this transformed world? What is the conflict? Why should you care? Why should you care about these characters? What’s the point? When do I “save the cat?”

So, that’s the stuff I have to think about for the next hour and a half. At 4 p.m., I have to start getting ready for “work” that still won’t pay me. Sigh. Everything would be different if just got paid on time.

But what little pay I do get isn’t really enjoy to pay the bills that I have, so I need to keep the new job that I have.

Anyway.

Back to the drawing board.

It’s About 2 p.m., I’ve Gone For A Walk — Now, To Write

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I have decided that I’m going back to an old idea — I’m going to use the plot of ROKon Magazine for my short story about a virus that turns you into a robot. But I’m setting it in Richmond, not Seoul. I know Richmond — or can at least fake it — and so people can’t complain that they don’t feel like they’re in Seoul when they read whatever it is I write.

So this story will have more than one level to it, as all great stories do. On one level, it’ll be about a virus that turns you into a robot, while on another level it’s about ROKon Magazine and on yet another level it’s about reverse culture shock.

There is a lot that I am having trouble establishing as the hard and fast facts of this concept though. I keep changing what I want do do with the story. I know this is the general concept — a shadowy underground organization is involved, a hippy sex cult associated with the goddess Gaia is involved and the general plot of ROKon Magazine is involved. And I know it’s set in Richmond. And I know, in general, it’s about me trying to deal with reverse culture shock.

If I could find a writing partner, I would turn this into a screenplay. But no one wants to help me no a spec script. Everyone wants to get paid. Assholes.

So, I’m probably going to just sit down and write something this afternoon. If it’s a short story, then it’s a short story. If it turns into a novel, then it turns into a novel. I’m going to give myself two hours to just write about this idea. That is going to include prep-work, so really I’ll actually have less than two hours. The first hour may be just me writing about the universe I want to create. That’s the tough part — forcing myself to find rock solid facts that I can’t, won’t change. That’s going to be the toughest part. I don’t want to get too attached to any government in this story, because things can change and the story will be dated. I want this story to be timeless. I want it to be a story that just happens In The Modern Age.

Anyway. Right now, my biggest concern is about food. I really want to eat one of the two last ice creams, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. So, I go to the refrigerator, stare at the box with the ice cream in it and then shut the door. I keep doing this over and over again, hoping to see more than just two ice creams in it.

No such luck.

Everyone is gone doing something, so I’m screwed for the time being when it comes to food. And I don’t have any money to get any
food, so I’m doubly screwed. Maybe I can just write through the hunger. Maybe that’s what I can do this afternoon. It’s strange how quickly you can get hungry if you’re used to eating at about a certain time.

I just wish I could eat that ice cream. I’m dying.

A Movie, Short Story Or Novel Concept: A Virus That Turns You Into A Robot

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I have long believed that a great movie, short story or novel concept would be a virus that turns you into a robot. As I envision it, the story would be a metaphor for reverse culture shock. I have experienced reverse culture shock for about a total of five years now and I am really interested in it as a story telling device.

The only problem is, I don’t know anything about plots.

I can think up the universe, I just can’t think up the plot.

But I’m going to give it another go with this concept. I think I’m going to just write a short story about this concept and then go from there. I just can’t figure out the plot. The only plot I really have is the ROKon Magazine plot, so that’s something that is both a bane and a benefit.

It’s a bane because I have to shoe horn that plot into the general concept that I want to use, while at the same time trying to tell the general story I want to tell. The general story is of someone who comes home from South Korea and everything is changed. I just can’t figure out what’s changed and why. I have the general idea that the virus turns you into someone really religious. But I don’t want to use an established religion. I want to use the Gaia concept. I really like the Gaia concept and I like the notion that such a hippy idea would suddenly take over the world.

I just can’t figure out how to use the ROKon Magazine story as a plot in this instance.

Meanwhile, having essentially one plot is a boon because it’s ready-made. All I have to do is figure out how to apply it.

The question now, of course, is do I want to write a movie, short story, or novel? I really need a creative “project” to do to soak up that part of my brain power, but I don’t really know anything about how to write a good screenplay. So, I think I’m going to write a short story first and then maybe, maybe try to turn that into a novel.

The short story is almost fully formed in my head enough that I can write it — and fist a first draft — pretty soon. Like, within a few days. I might even be able to finish it in an afternoon if I rush. I have written this idea before, but I had a dream this afternoon that got me thinking about the concept again and I feel a rush to do something with this idea as soon as possible.

So, I think I’m going to go for a brief walk, think about this concept, then come back and write for a few hours about it to see if I can write a short story about it. Then, of course, I have to re-write it over and over and over again until it’s good enough to submit to a publication. Although, I have to admit of the scifi publications I’ve read, nothing they actually publish made very happy. It was too dense for me and just didn’t seem worth reading. They even say in the publications themselves, “Don’t think you can reverse engineer what we publish by reading what we do publish carefully. It doesn’t work that way.”

I’m just going to write for myself at first and then show it to some people and see if they like it. Or if they don’t like it, what advice they can give me. People get so wrapped up in spelling and grammar, that I have to tell them point blank — my grammar sucks. Please stop complaining about that. I just enjoy writing and I can always find someone to improve the grammar.

I’m going for a walk now, and when I get back I hope to start writing about this concept.

I’m Really, Really, Really Broke

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For various reasons, but large and small, I’m broke.

Really broke.

Really, really broke.

And this condition isn’t going to get better anytime soon. My Korean “employer” continues to not have any money to pay me and I won’t get paid by the theatre job for some time as well. So, generally, I’m screwed. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Time is going faster because I have a new job, but in other respects things continue to be really, really slow.

One thing I think a lot about lately is death. Maybe I’m coming the closest I’ll ever get to a mid-life crisis, but I sure do think about how one day I’m going to walk off into the darkness. And I think about how fucking old I am and how if I don’t do something with my life soon enough, I’ll be 50 years old doing exactly what I’m doing right now — not much.

But I just don’t know how to fix the problem anytime soon. Everything I can think of that I want to do requires money and I don’t have that, and won’t have that, for some time. It will be years before I can save up the money to do anything fun or cool with my life again. I want to go to Brooklyn for a visit, at least, and it will be the spring — at best — before I can do that. And that just sucks. Although at least I’ve finally decided that I won’t be going back to Asia. That’s a big improvement over my mental state for years, where I didn’t know what exactly I wanted to do with my life. For at least three years I’ve been torn between wanting to go back to Asia and wanting to do something here in America.

At last, I’ve figured out what I want to do — I’m staying in America.

But that leads to: Now what?

So, if I was 21 not 20 years older, I would save up the money and try to move to Brooklyn. But I’m old. So every day is precious. Every moment I’m alive is precious, so I need to hurry up and do something with my life. This business of having to waste all this time just getting ready to do something with my life has got to stop.

I know why I’ve gotten myself into this situation. I don’t feel like going into what happened and why, but the reason why my lot in life is so sucky is pretty clear. If you want to get some sense of what happened to get me into this situation, I recommend you read “Somehow,” my memoir of my time in South Korea. That gives you some sense of why my life sucks so bad right now.

But that’s the past. I have to stop dwelling on the past and start working on the future. I need to think about the present and the future. A lot of this would be different if I had a family and a career. But I don’t have any of those things. I’m generally screwed.

And, yet, I have hope. I have hope that maybe somehow things will work out and I’ll get a wife and a kid eventually. I’m still fairly young and anything is possible. But I’m so weird that it is doubtful.

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